On Viti Levu island, Fiji, I am Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon, though in reality weathering more like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
Go to Viti Levu island, Fiji if you:
are British and want to holiday with few other Brits;
love fresh fruit, especially papaya and pineapple;
enjoy opportunities to chat to friendly locals;
appreciate lush, green countryside;
have embraced the recent coconut phase and love coconut or are open to its wonders;
like a choice of activities and trips;
have an inner (or outer) ornithologist in you;
want to be in the middle of a vast ocean yet somehow not feel overwhelmed by that fact;
like to know there’s always a Chinese or Indian restaurant close by;
appreciate learning local words (you can’t not respond to “bula” (it means life but is a very cheery, contagious Fijian “hello”);
love creative fish dishes;
want to see Nemo and Dory;
like your Instagram feed to be the envy of all;
love visiting food markets;
want to buy black/yellow South Sea pearls;
aspire to stay in a hut on the beach;
love the idea of an ensuite outdoor shower;
don’t want to be inundated by tempting souvenirs;
like to buy/use natural, interesting toiletries;
enjoy cocktails or beer at beach bars;
love seeing colourful homes;
like to hire a car to explore (petrol cheaper than UK, drive on left, OK tarmaced road around island);
appreciate deserted beaches.
Don’t go to Viti Levu island, Fiji if you:
want a cheap destination;
are recovering from a break-up (emphasis is on couples and families);
have seen Jaws and are prone to fin-sightings (ie seaweed or palm fronds);
want a holiday where you speak to no one and no one speaks to you;
never holiday where mosquitoes thrive;
are appalled by the idea of entertainment/airport welcome/hotel departure or arrival designed for tourists;
send smug postcards (all postcards seem to be from c1980 and a pathetic reflection of Fiji);
feel very uncomfortable with the concept of tourist v local prices;
are skint but a sucker for charming salespeople;
dislike fire (ceremonies, bonfires and flame lighting are popular);
feel lost without 24-hour Wi-Fi;
want a guarantee of no rain;
expect pretty, colourful, photogenic towns (more functional and for everyday life rather than tourist prettification);
are a nervous but keen sea swimmer (waves, currents, potential for dangerous sea creatures);
love or hate dogs (love, you’ll want to rescue strays. Hate, you’ll see more dogs than you’d like);
plan to bring in food from your home country (Fiji is very strict about what can come in and they are likely to check your bags);
are put off by cockroaches, ants and mosquitoes;
expect it to be beautiful (it can be pretty, lush, colourful, interesting but not, to me at least, “Wow”);
judge a holiday by the variety of shops and souvenirs;
would find it alarming to see cows, goats, pigs, chickens and horses by the roadside.